When I Am Healed, I Am Not Healed Alone

Buddhism is one of the many spiritual traditions that state that we are all the same, that there is no difference between you and me.  Jung theorized that there was a "collective unconscious", that all of our minds are connected.  Jesus said that we all actually have the same mind, that there is no separation there, we just think that we are separate from one another.  So the meditation I have today, "when I am healed, I am not healed alone", is a fascinating concept to me.  And ultimately, may be what helps me to release myself from my self-destructive patterns. 

I am the type of person who, if you do something to me, I can keep my cool but, if you do something to someone I love, I go bat-shit bananas.  Well, if this concept is true and that, by healing myself of self-destructive patterns I am actually doing something for the collective unconscious/same mind at the same time, then I am hoping that if I continually focus on that instead of just myself, I will do a better of job of breaking my self-destructive patterns.  Because really, don't we all want to stop them, no matter what they are?

Growth

My boyfriend has said to me several times over the past few days:  "Why are you so tall?"   I knew that I hadn't gotten taller; however, it wasn't until this morning that I realized that, even though I'm not taller, I am bigger.  May it continue.

I Will Not Value What Is Valueless

After a long stint away from this blog, I am back.  I haven't been doing A Course In Miracles since pretty much I started school and so I feel as if I haven't had much to say.  However, I began again today with the hope of being able to do it at least until school starts back up again at the end of January (these last few weeks of school are going to be a bit lighter on homework).  So I pick the journey back up with Lesson 133 - I will not value what is valueless.

It couldn't be a more perfect lesson as it goes along directly with a project I am doing for school - the Private Moment.  I've been searching all day for the things that I value which are valueless.  The Course states that "If you choose a thing that will not last forever, what you choose is valueless.  A temporary value is without all value."  I have come up with a long list of valueless things that I value which include alcohol, money, my body, other people's bodies, acceptance from colleagues and instructors....the list goes on and on.  Why do I value all these things?  If I had that answer, I could easily stop valuing them.  It keeps me constantly grabbing and struggling for things that are out of reach, unattainable and which do not last. 

I have had this knowledge for years now and, sad to say, I don't seem to be any better at freeing myself from them.  The only way to fail though, I believe, is to stop trying.  A week from now, I make another attempt at letting a long-standing self-destructive pattern go.  I will be doing this in front of 10 of my new friends and colleagues as a part of a private viewing that is meant to help us grow, not only as artists, but as people.  Knowing that I have their full support behind me may help me to remain stedfast when it comes to holding off on this self-destructive pattern.  Just the thought of attacking it in this way has brought up an insane amount of fear and my ego has already begun using all the tools at its disposal to get me to do something else for my Private Moment.  It's biggest tool in its arsenal is the "why not wait until *this* date to start".  However, I have come to notice that there is always *another* date just a few weeks away that is then used followed by another and another.  I shall not let it play that trick on me this time. 

I attempted to let this go last April and was partly successful.  I did this act of self-destruction much less than I had been.  MUCH less.  So now it is time to let it go for good.  It no longer serves me - I'm not sure that it ever did.  I will continue to post about my experience with it.  In the meantime, I wish you luck in your search for your own self-destructive patterns and in finally releasing them.

Poem To Myself

Written in my basic technique class after some sensory work.  Some people said they found it inspiring so I'm sharing it on here since I haven't had anything else to write about lately!  Keep in mind that I am in *nooooooooooo* way a writer. 


I wish I'd had the words then to speak up for myself
To tell you that you were wrong
Your poor bitter soul never able to let the love in
You tried to deny it to me but in the end I'll win
It's been too long
The time is now
I'll find the strength within somehow
Your power over me is gone
I claim my own
I will you gone

Looking Foolish

When did we start being afraid to look foolish in front of other people?  Children don't worry about that.  They play and dance and imagine themselves to be other people, animals, inanimate objects, whatever and they don't give a crap how they look.  There must have been some moment when I was completely free, in the moment, and playing around where someone laughed at me and told me I looked stupid...that I was doing something dumb or that if other people saw me do that they'd think I was insane.  Clearly, it was a moment of vulnerability and in that moment, I cared.  What on Earth was I thinking??!! 

I have been trying for a few years to quit caring about how I look to other people because I was aware that it was inhibiting my creativity but I was unable to have any sort of breakthrough.  Fortunately, I got accepted into a graduate program that encourages me to just let that go.  And you know what?  I have!  One of my classes is a West African Dance Class and I can see myself in the mirror.  I don't (yet) look very natural doing it and I gotta admit...I look pretty silly.  But I don't give a shit.  It's fun!  It's freeing!  It feels great to be silly.  There are two people in the room playing drums and I just feel the rythym and do the moves they tell me to do as best as I can and it feels great! 

Today in acting class, we had to do an exercise called the "circle dance".  The teacher put on music (some old soul Mowtown kind of stuff) and one person gets in the middle of the circle and just expresses through movement what they're experiencing.  The people on the outside of the circle help support the person in the middle by experiencing it with them and giving all of that energy to them.  This is something that, in my undergraduate years would've had me feeling soooooooo uncomfortable.  But today, I just had fun and let loose.  It certainly helps that I am in a particularly supportive environment for this (other performance related places are, sadly, more judgemental) but I am hoping to learn how to carry this over into my personal life.

I want to encourage you to not be afraid of looking silly at the expense of experiencing joy or fun.  If you're letting loose and someone laughs at you or says you look silly...I say fuck 'em.  Who the hell are they anyway?  Just keep having fun.  Hell, why not moon them when they say that?  That'll either shut them up or get them laughing as well.

God's Will for me is perfect happiness

I am currently in a review period of  A Course In Miracles.  My two lessons to review today are:  God's will for me is perfect happiness...and...I share God's will for perfect happiness for me.  I love this idea.  God's will for me is perfect happiness.  He never wills His Son to be in pain.  All that God wills is perfect happiness.  This seems to be the opposite of what I understand of many organized religions, in particular, Christianity.  Some of the Christians that I know walk around calling themselves sinners and looking at other people as sinners and assuming that God wants to punish us all for our sins.  The Course teaches something different.  It states that God does not see us as sinners that he wants to punish.  He does, however, see us make errors that he wishes to correct.  That's called growth.

But I digress.  I need to stay on topic!  God's will for me is perfect happiness.  If the creator of the universe and the most powerful being in the universe wills perfect happiness for me, I will gladly and willingly accept it!

I share God's will for happiness for me.  This is a powerful statement and a great thing to remind myself all day.  Of course I want happiness.  Duh!  How could I forget that?  And yet I often do.  There is something called the ego which I often identify with and the ego does not necessarily want me to be happy.  It wants me to have too much to drink and make a fool of myself and then spend an entire day beating myself up for it.  It wants me to speak before I think and screw up an opportunity and spend a week kicking myself in the ass over it.  When we spend time berating ourselves for bad choices, we go into a downward spiral where it is impossible to grow.  Today I own the statement "I share God's will for happiness for me".  May I spread that happiness to all people with whom I have conversations today.  May I realize that there are so many wonderful people, beings and situations in my life that bring me happiness.  May I recognize that there are so many people in the world going through situations that try their ability to remain happy which far exceed any situations I am currently in. 

God's will for me is perfect happiness and I share this will.  May it be so.

Forgiveness

Today marks the 9th anniversary of the day the Twin Towers were struck by planes.  It is a time of great sorrow for this country; in particular, the city in which I live.  The country has clearly not yet healed from this attack.  The anger and fear that many people have is still being directed at the Muslim community as a whole.  This weekend has seen a pastor threatening to burn the Quran as well as the continued protest of the building of a Muslim community center.  I understand why so many have anger and fear but it seems to me that the anger is being misplaced.  Because it is impossible for people to take their anger out on Al Queda specifically, any ol' Muslim American (or Muslim-LOOKING American - whatever that is) will do.

There is only one key to finally letting this anger and fear and hatred go and that is forgiveness.  We have to forgive the terrorists for attacking us.  We do not have to forget but we have to forgive.  Holding on to the anger doesn't hurt the terrorists; it only hurts us. Holding on to our fear doesn't hurt the terrorists; it only hurts us.  Holding on to our hatred doesn't hurt the terrorists; it only hurts us.  Have you heard the saying "Don't bother holding on to anger at other people because half of the people don't know that you are angry with them and the other half don't care"?  It absolutely applies here.  They don't care.

This country needs to heal in order to move forward.  Forgiveness will help the healing process.  It is not easy.  I speak from experience.  I was sexually molested as a child and I also had a father who severely emotionally abused me.  In time, I forgave them both.  Forgiveness can be incredibly difficult; however, I do not believe that healing can occur without it.

You can do your part.  Hold the people who flew the planes into the buildings in your mind and tell them that you forgive them.  Don't do it for them.  Do it for yourself.  Leave that anger in the past.  Leave that hatred in the past.  Step into the present moment free from all that toxic and negative emotion.  If you release your anger and hatred do you know what will happen?  There will a little less anger and hatred in the world.  And *that* would truly be an amazing thing.

The Actors Studio

So there is a big event happening in my life.  I started graduate school this week.  I am getting my MFA from The Actors Studio here in NYC.  Today, we had our official welcome from the department and James Lipton (who started the school) gave a speech.  I have never had strong feelings about Mr. Lipton one way or the other; however, I can honestly say that he gave the best speech I have ever heard.  It was incredibly inspiring.

A story he told really got to me and I thought I would share it here.  Also, in case I ever forget it, it will be on here for me to find years later I hope!  I don't remember where he heard the story or who the "main character" in it was; however, he said he was sure we had heard the tale before.  The "main character", who was a teacher, was on a field trip and he took his students to a cliff and asked them to come to the edge.   They refused.  They were too scared.  He told them to just come over to the edge and look out.  They said that they were afraid of heights.  He said he understood but that they should really just come to the edge and look out.  Finally, they shuffled their way to the edge.  And he pushed them.  And they flew.  Mr. Lipton told us that we have been called to the edge.  And that they *would* push us.  And we *would* fly.  I was crying at this point.

I have a crazy journey ahead of me.  I have one foot planted on the path.  I feel as I'm still waiting to put that second foot down (classes don't officially begin until next week).  I have absolutely no idea what the journey holds.  I know that it will be frightening.  I know that it will be painful (growth is messy after all).  I know that it will be exciting.  I know that it will be freeing.  I hope that I rise to the challenge.

Blast Past Your Illusions

The title of this blog, Blast Past Your Illusions, is the title of a song by the jazz duo Tuck and Patti.  The song is written by Patti Cathcart Andress.  I had the great pleasure of seeing them live last week and, as always, it was one of the most beautiful performances I have ever seen by a duo.  Their love for each other shines through on each number.  The way they look at each other while performing (either just to check in as musical partners to stay connected, or when a particular line of a love song reminds one of the other) is so inspiring to see in a couple who have played together for 32 years and been married for 29!

I thought I would post the lyrics of the song to help you understand why I chose it as the name for this blog.  Knowing them as I do (they have been kind enough to share a musical chart with me of one of their songs), I don't think that they would mind.  In fact, I think they would be happy to have their words shared with others.  Lyrics below:

Full moon rises
Everything is crazy here but still you must complete this task
Now you know the truth cannot be hid and you will be compelled to act at last
Have you grown tired of all these tears?
Your heart's been broken now for years
There is no blame that can be placed; you are the Master of your fate
So stop wasting time, take your place, it's your life
Now's the time to blast past your illusions

Blast past your illusions

The inevitabilty of redemption in your own mind
Yes, you can redeem yourself

Blast past your illusions
Remember why you came
Blast past your illusions

The audacity to dream in the face of illusionary madness that keeps our spirits bound

Blast past your illusions

The ability to remain compassionate in an uncaring world while suffering no fools

Blast past your illusions

I'm calling wounded healers
Sewing stitches in the fabric of the broken hearted masses
I believe that the moment has arrived for all of you to wake up

Blast
Past
Your
Illusions

Move away from pain and sadness
Open your locked heart and let this gladness in
Feel this moment
Now you know the truth
There is no turning back
Time to begin
Have you grown tired of all these tears?
Your heart's been broken now for years
There is no blame that can be placed
You are the Master of your fate
So stop wasting time, take your place, it's your life
Now's the time to blast past your illusions

Blast
Past
Your
Illusions

Here we go again!

This is my second attempt at a blog.  I started a blog in the spring that, among other things, was to document my doing a program of spiritual psychotherapy called A Course In Miracles.  The Course is a 365 day lesson plan of meditations.  I found it too difficult to find time to sit down at the comptuer every day and write about it and so I scrapped it about 90 days into the process.

Recently, I had my chart read.  Among the things that she said was that I should be writing and that my writing should specifically be an outlet for my spirtuality.  She suggested that I start another blog in a similar theme.  So I am intending with this blog to continue to chronicle my journey through The Course (I am on Lesson 110 today).  I am just not putting the pressure on myself to chronicle the entire journey!  Ironically, I am now working a part time job where we don't have much to do and are encouraged to be on the computer during our downtime so perhaps I will be on here more than I think!

I warn you right from the get go that I may not always have time to go back and proofread this blog and so there may very well be grammatical and spelling errors.  If you are the sort of person who judges this and/or it makes you crazy, this is not the blog for you.  Thanks for stopping by but feel free to not aggravate yourself by reading this.